Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Block E Maybe Inline For A Casino

Thursday, February 24th, 2011

There has been some rumblings recently about a “Las-Vegas” style casino going into Block E in downtown Minneapolis. This seems like a great idea. Here is why.

1. There aren’t enough worthy mugging targets in that area of Minneapolis now. When I walk around down there and look for someone to mug its rather slim pickings. Its usually just the other muggers walking around down there.

2. This will help traffic. I mean seriously, traffic is way to light in that area as it is. If we put a casino in there and draw some old people down from St Anthony that will really clog it up down there.

3. By putting a non-indian casino in Block E it may cause an Indian uprising of 1800′s proportions. Which may not seem like a good thing, but I have all these small pox blankets in my linen closet and no place to use them.

Here is an idea. Tear the whole thing down and put back the parking lot that was once there.

The Brady Bunch? I Think Not!

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

I recently made the move to St Paul to live with my girlfriend Kim and her kids. Everything was going great until this Sunday.

The day started out fine. I watched football for most of the day on the couch. Then at 2:30 I went to The Spring Street Tavern to watch more football in a familiar setting. Watched most of the game there and returned home in time to go with Kim and her daughter Isabel trick or treating.

Dressed as a fairy, Isabel was adorable enough to get a whole bucket full of candy. Candy is one of the many food items that she isn’t allowed to eat very often (along with pizza and donuts as I have come to learn). This means that very little candy gets that little girl all hopped up. It didn’t take long before she was wrestling with my dog (Molly) and because of her sugar induced strength she shoved Molly hard enough that it hurt her leg. Molly was limping and couldn’t put any pressure on her leg. Needless to say a trip to the vet was in order. An emergency visit, and xray and a prescription of doggie pain killers and we were out the door. I was also out $254.

This doesn’t seem like a big deal right? This stuff happens with kids and dogs all the time. I wouldn’t have thought twice about it had Kim not said something to me earlier in the day. She asked me “so what is the limit you would spend on Molly if something happened to her? $2000?” She wanted to know how much money I would shell out before I decided to give Molly the old dirt nap. Two hours later her daughter is trying to break Molly’s leg like she owes her money or something.

Kim has always been a little jealous of my relationship with Molly. Should I be worried she put her daughter up to the attack. A weird and twisted version of Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly?

Should I be worried for her safety? I think she is probably ok…for now. But when Halloween comes next year and Isabel wants to dress up as Michael Vick, Molly and I will be going out of town for a few days.

Creative Anger Outlets!

Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

As most of you know, anger is my primary emotion. It consumes me and makes me the person that I am. That being said, it will probably also be the death of me. Blogging is a good release for a lot of that anger, but smashing hard on the keyboard of my computer doesn’t seem to cut the mustard all the time. So I am trying to come up with a few new ways to release this tension. Here are the ideas I came up with.

Physical Violence – This seems like the most logical reaction to anger, but probably not the most productive way to unleash the beast in you. Sure you will probably be physically tired after beating the living shit out of someone but the reprecussions that follow are usually and I stress USUALLY not worth it.

Verbal Abuse – Probably my favorite way to spur the agression I have in me. Very few things are more enjoyable than calling someone a stupid fuck face while you are driving. Becareful though. Verbal abuse can lead you back to physical violence very quickly.

Self Mutalation – I generally don’t endulge in this activity (once I had a girlfriend punch me in the ass when I got angry and I admit I kind of liked it). Not because I am better than that. I am not, I just don’t know how to hurt myself in a way where I actually won’t hurt myself. Once while shopping at Walmart the teller (who had many scars on her forearms) got a paper cut while checking me out. At first it seemed as though she was generally hurt, but then her mood went from pissy to quite pleasant, so who knows maybe I am missing out on something here.

Here are some ideas from the experts at the Mayo Clinic (what ever that place is).

Take A Time Out – This may work for some people but to me it just seems like taking an extra 10 seconds is 10 seconds longer than the douche who just wronged you deserves. I say take 10 seconds after you are done pummeling someone and reflect on how things could have been different.

Use Humor To Diffuse A Situation – I agreed whole heartedly with this one, until I read further into the suggestion and it said “but don’t use sarcasm”. Wrong! Everyone loves sarcasm.

Feel free to add your suggestions to this list.

When Pre-judging Is Ok

Monday, August 16th, 2010

Pre-judging people isn’t a good thing. Usually! The exception to this rule is when you are shopping for a new car. In most cases you CAN judge a book by its cover.

I have spent the last 6 days shopping for a new car and every instance when the salesman rubbed me the wrong way it was usually followed by him trying to screw me on the deal. I know that is the natural progression of things, first you rub them than you screw them, but I am not that easy. Ok I am, but not when buying a car. When buying a car you need to let a relationship develop and grow. Alright maybe thats a little extreme but I at least don’t want to feel like I need a shower just by being in the company of said sales person.

Two guys this week really irked me, which as most of you know is not all that hard. Guy number one pretty much chased my car down as I pulled into the lot. I was just browsing and this guy chased me like he was a lawyer and I had just been rearended. So I stop and mentioned the one car that I came to look at (I found a bunch of cars online that I liked and went to go test drive). Right after I mentioned which car I was interested in he said if you like it will you buy it today? Muthafucker I haven’t even seen yet alone drove the car. You are putting the cart before the horse. I don’t care how much I liked the car I wouldn’t have bought it because of this sales guy.

Guy number two was a little more subtle. This guy treated me like I assume he treats his wife. With apathy. He seemed like I was an bothering him more than he was trying to sell me a car. I take out a 08 Hyndai Sonata for a test drive and I like it. We go into talk numbers and I ask him what he will give me for a trade in on my 2000 Acura TL. With out even looking in a book or online he blurts out I will give you a $1000 for it. I laughed at him. I couldn’t help it. I checked out my trade in value before I stepped one foot into a lot. The blue book value for my car is $2200 (it has 209,000 miles on it). That is the kind of shit that makes buying a car such a chore.

I think when buying a car the consumer should be allowed to water board a salesman just to get them to actually be civil and honest. If that is not possible, pre-judge the fucker.