Posts Tagged ‘Blog’

Why So Many Assholes At The Shoe Store?

Tuesday, August 7th, 2012

Last week I was at Har Mar “Mall” in Roseville looking to buy some new tennis shoes.  I entered Famous Footwear and began my search.  It was semi crowded in there.  Which surprised me because it was Monday afternoon, but I guess shoe shopping on summer break is the in thing to do.

While I was in the back of the store I heard a commotion and began to walk toward it.  Whatever was going on I missed the initial spark but, what I did see was two women in their early twenties and one guy (not sure how old he was as I didn’t get a good look at him) were ripping shoes from the shelves and throwing them.  I found out later during a conversation I had with the clerk  that the two women thought the store clerks were following them around because they were suspicious that they were going to steal.

I hate crowds, so I wasn’t paying attention to anything other than finding shoes I liked and getting out of the store.  So it is hard to say whether or not the clerks were following them around, but the women’s reaction tends to make me think the clerks were not far off on their assessment of the situation.  Or maybe that type of thing has happened before and they were fed up with being stereotyped.  Or maybe they were going to steal some shoes and were put off by the fact their plan had been foiled by those meddling store clerks.  Whatever their reason for the reaction, it was a bit over the top to say the least.

While I was purchasing my new shoes the clerk was giving me the details, and she added that she had just recently moved to the area from Flint, MI.

“I thought Flint was bad.” She said.

Lady, people are assholes everywhere, no specific geographical location require.

The Highlights Of Living In St Paul

Monday, January 10th, 2011

I have now been a resident of St Paul for roughly 3 months or so. For the most part I have voiced my opinions on St Paul so you don’t need to read another rant about how bad it is. Instead, I will attempt to highlight the finer points of St Paul living.

Living in St Paul is a lot like living on the moon I imagine. If the moon were populated with piss poor drivers, hockey fans…oh wait. Sorry the negativity has a mind of its own.

In the past three months I have had some good experiences in St Paul. Here they are:

Boca Chica – 11 Caesar Chavez St – Probably the most authentic mexican restaurant I have eaten at in the Twin Cities. They have a great Sunday brunch. Yeah I know, I go to brunch. That is a subject for a different posting.

Barrio – 235 6th St E – Again authentic hispanic food. Also a ton of different tequila if you like that sort of thing. I am not a tequila man myself thanks to a trip to Mexico when I as nineteen. Also, Barrio is located in lowertown which is kind of a cool area. Plus, it sits next door to The Bulldog which gives me the illusion I am in Minneapolis.

The Ale Jail – 1787 Saint Clair Ave – Probably the best thing about St Peezy. Awesome selection of beers from all over the world. This is not a bar, but rather a beer utopia. On Tuesdays they do tastings from 5PM til its gone.

Proximity – I have to say St Paul is pretty convenient for a comedian to live in. It seems most of the time when I go on the road it is usually in the direction of east. Being on the eastside of the Twin Cities means I don’t have to go through the usual traffic when I leave on the road. Now if they could only teach people over here how to drive…

Cost Of Living – Cheap! Rent is much cheaper than Minneapolis. Plus you get more for your money.

Well that is about all the positive things I could muster right now. I am sure I will find more and add to this list later. If you live in St Paul and would like to add to this feel free. Also I have no friends over here and I am lonely. 🙁

The Only Way To Fly.

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

Flying sucks! Lets just get it out there now. Its not natural for humans to fly. Plus with security, jet lag and other factors it tends to not be a pleasant experience. I say this as a person that doesn’t like flying. With all that being said it is the most practical form of transportation for most business professionals, and I find myself flying more and more. So if I have to wait a little longer to do the body scan it benefits my piece of mind and I am all for the body scan. I am not sure why travelers would have a problem with more security.

Some of the gripes about the body scan is its intrusive, emits radiation among other things. Plus certain woman have voiced concern that it will allow the screener to tell if a woman is menstruating. Trust me the screener knows already. When you threatened to beat him if he didn’t allow you to take your 80oz bottle of hair conditioner on the plane with you. Plus the fact that your wearing sweat pants doesn’t help.

Your option if you decide not to do the body scan is a full body pat down. This seems like a decent option to me (other than the fact it will slow lines down). However some people have a problem with that. I have been patted down going into a concert so being patted down getting on an airplane seems like no big deal. I read an opinion piece online where some guy was worried that the TSA Agents didn’t change their gloves after each pat down and this guy actually said that he was worried about getting an STD. That is how ignorant people our about the pat down. Trust me, nobody is gonna be giving you a reach around so you don’t need to worry about an STD. If they do, please let me know which line to get in next time for the happy ending.

I have a solution to all of this. I say when you arrive at the airport and check in for your flight you are knocked unconscious and they airline officials just load all of our motionless, well patted down bodies onto the plane going to the proper destination. I would eliminate babies crying, some douche guy sitting next to you telling you his life story and people like me who are gripping the seat in terror with each little air pocket that the plane hits. Plus it would save the airline on staffing as one flight attendant that is medically trained would be sufficient for each flight. When you reach your destination you are woken up and sent on your way. Well rested and none the wiser about being patted down or body scanned.

I don’t see this happening anytime soon so I am getting ready for the full body scan…The world needs to see whats under my clothes anyway. The guy that circumcised me is was an artist.

The Brady Bunch? I Think Not!

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

I recently made the move to St Paul to live with my girlfriend Kim and her kids. Everything was going great until this Sunday.

The day started out fine. I watched football for most of the day on the couch. Then at 2:30 I went to The Spring Street Tavern to watch more football in a familiar setting. Watched most of the game there and returned home in time to go with Kim and her daughter Isabel trick or treating.

Dressed as a fairy, Isabel was adorable enough to get a whole bucket full of candy. Candy is one of the many food items that she isn’t allowed to eat very often (along with pizza and donuts as I have come to learn). This means that very little candy gets that little girl all hopped up. It didn’t take long before she was wrestling with my dog (Molly) and because of her sugar induced strength she shoved Molly hard enough that it hurt her leg. Molly was limping and couldn’t put any pressure on her leg. Needless to say a trip to the vet was in order. An emergency visit, and xray and a prescription of doggie pain killers and we were out the door. I was also out $254.

This doesn’t seem like a big deal right? This stuff happens with kids and dogs all the time. I wouldn’t have thought twice about it had Kim not said something to me earlier in the day. She asked me “so what is the limit you would spend on Molly if something happened to her? $2000?” She wanted to know how much money I would shell out before I decided to give Molly the old dirt nap. Two hours later her daughter is trying to break Molly’s leg like she owes her money or something.

Kim has always been a little jealous of my relationship with Molly. Should I be worried she put her daughter up to the attack. A weird and twisted version of Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly?

Should I be worried for her safety? I think she is probably ok…for now. But when Halloween comes next year and Isabel wants to dress up as Michael Vick, Molly and I will be going out of town for a few days.

Nothing Good Comes From Snow!

Tuesday, October 26th, 2010

With the winter looming in the very near future I figure its time for my annual rant about snow and everything it brings along with it.

In my 35 years of life I have yet to see snow bring anything good to this planet. In fact I believe it brings nothing but inconvenience and aggravation to an already inconvenient society.

My hatred of snow goes all the way back to the winter of 1980. I was sledding with my cousins at Columbia Park in Nordeast Minneapolis. The day was going well, we were having fun when something happened that changed my outlook on snow forever. After an turn down the hill I was walking back up when my cousin Jon came barreling down the hill on one of those 2 bladed head remover of a sled. I moved right, so did he. I moved left, so did he. I couldn’t avoid his death plunge and he rammed right into my shins. This took me off my feet and caused my right eye to smack directly into the back of his enormous head. Leaving me with my first and strangely enough my only black eye of my life.

This seems like a harmless child hood trauma, but for me it was the start of my deep seeded hatred of that awful white shit that plunges from the sky from Nov-Apr in Minnesota.

Now as an adult my reasons for hating snow are much different, but equally as justified. Having to travel as much as I do Satan’s sperm has caused me more headaches that most humans deserve. Snow is the cause for most of my travel stress in the winter. Snow takes a 4 hour drive and turns it into an 8 hour drive. Snow causes shows get canceled. You can see where I am going with this.

Travel aside, snow also provides an outlet for the rubes of America to continue to amaze and startle us with their love of snowmobiling. Why would you ever, ever want to strap on a snowmobile suit and travel at high rates of speed in the dead of winter? Oh yeah, your are completely shit-faced thats why. I enjoy drinking in the winter as much if not more than the next guy, but at no point have I ever thought wow I bet it would be fun to go 80 miles an hour on a piece of machinery that has virtually no protection from the elements.

I guess maybe I was born in the wrong part of the country. Some of you may say why don’t you move? I did move. To St Paul where they probably get more snow than Minneapolis. However, the area I live in is primarily Hispanic and I have yet to see a Hispanic person on a snowmobile…so thats something I guess.

I will see all of you April 15th when I emerge from my winter hate coma to pay my taxes.

When Pre-judging Is Ok

Monday, August 16th, 2010

Pre-judging people isn’t a good thing. Usually! The exception to this rule is when you are shopping for a new car. In most cases you CAN judge a book by its cover.

I have spent the last 6 days shopping for a new car and every instance when the salesman rubbed me the wrong way it was usually followed by him trying to screw me on the deal. I know that is the natural progression of things, first you rub them than you screw them, but I am not that easy. Ok I am, but not when buying a car. When buying a car you need to let a relationship develop and grow. Alright maybe thats a little extreme but I at least don’t want to feel like I need a shower just by being in the company of said sales person.

Two guys this week really irked me, which as most of you know is not all that hard. Guy number one pretty much chased my car down as I pulled into the lot. I was just browsing and this guy chased me like he was a lawyer and I had just been rearended. So I stop and mentioned the one car that I came to look at (I found a bunch of cars online that I liked and went to go test drive). Right after I mentioned which car I was interested in he said if you like it will you buy it today? Muthafucker I haven’t even seen yet alone drove the car. You are putting the cart before the horse. I don’t care how much I liked the car I wouldn’t have bought it because of this sales guy.

Guy number two was a little more subtle. This guy treated me like I assume he treats his wife. With apathy. He seemed like I was an bothering him more than he was trying to sell me a car. I take out a 08 Hyndai Sonata for a test drive and I like it. We go into talk numbers and I ask him what he will give me for a trade in on my 2000 Acura TL. With out even looking in a book or online he blurts out I will give you a $1000 for it. I laughed at him. I couldn’t help it. I checked out my trade in value before I stepped one foot into a lot. The blue book value for my car is $2200 (it has 209,000 miles on it). That is the kind of shit that makes buying a car such a chore.

I think when buying a car the consumer should be allowed to water board a salesman just to get them to actually be civil and honest. If that is not possible, pre-judge the fucker.

The USPS

Thursday, May 13th, 2010

There has been talk about the USPS going to a 5 day work week. Now as a person in business for myself you would think the 1 less day of mail delivery would bother me, but you would be incorrect.

I receive mail nearly every day and most days my mail consists of grocery ads, coupons and the occasional letter from The Scooter Store (this is usually address to Tommy and we are not sure why). I can’t speak for everyone, but I know I can live with one less day of that mail delivery.

There is no reason the Postal Service couldn’t delivery all the mail they have in a 5 day span. It would be beneficial for us as consumers as well. Five day delivery week would mean less man hours, and as a man who is dating a mailman (she prefers mail carrier) I can vouch that she gets as much overtime as she wants per week. She averages 60 hours a week, which to me seems excessive (sorry Kim).

With the advancement of technology we have found other ways to convey our messages to each other: email, facebook and other social networking sites making mailing a letter nearly obsolete. In another 5 years you will not need to mail a wedding invitation, you can do it from facebook.

Plus, who actually mails their own bills in anymore? I haven’t mailed in a bill in 3 years. With check cards and online bill pay you don’t need to. I don’t even have checks for my checking account.

Here is the main reason for my post. With a five day delivery week the Postal Service will be able to eliminate the lazy mailmen on their payroll. I don’t want someone fired for no reason, but my mailman is the laziest fucker in the Postal Service. The Postal Service recently did a food drive where they delivered plastic bags to your mailbox and you were to fill them with canned goods and they would pick them up on a certain day. Well I filled mine and left it next to the mailbox on the designated day for pick up, this fuck didn’t pick it up. I proceed to leave it out there for the next 3 days in a row, he still hasn’t picked it up. Now this means I am gonna have to go out and pick it up, and I was really trying to avoid having to pick this bag up since I am lazy and now its wet cause its been sitting in the rain.

I hope this letter finds a way to reach a mailman or some other postal employee, only because they will probably stop delivering all my mail together which is good. If Tommy gets one more letter from the Scooter Store I think he might break down and buy one. Oh and the first time I have to wait one extra day for a check to come in the mail I am gonna bitch about the five day delivery week, because I am a hypocrite.