How Many Is Too Many?

As a proud step parent of two used kids ( I like to call them used just to make sure they know I am not their real father) I have begun facing the challenges that come along with parenthood.  Getting them to school in the mornings, making dinner for them, helping them with their home and so on.  I do this all while trying to run a small business (comedy) an even smaller business (comedy record label) and maintain relationships with friends and families.  To put it bluntly, I am one small crisis away from being institutionalized.  Yet, I see people with five and six children and I wonder why hasn’t someone told these people about not being sexual gluttons?  Do you really need five children?  Here are reasons why you shouldn’t have that many children.

1. The world is over populated as it is.  Every time you pump a hot one into your wife, think about the $4.00 gallon of gas you are gonna have to pump on the way to work.  We are over populated, which means we use more resources.  Now because you have five kids you need a larger vehicle to haul them all around.  Gas prices should be the condom industries battle cry.

2.  Self gratification.  Do you remember what that is?  It is doing something for yourself that doesn’t involve your little demon seeds.  When was the last time you read a book that didn’t have a stupid fucking animal wearing pajamas or some dumb shit.  And no, Harry Potter books don’t count.

3.  You have tempted fate too many times.  One of those little shits is gonna end up a career criminal, pill popper or miscreant of society.  If you have three kids and none of them are felons you are lucky.  If you have five kids, you are playing with fire.  Get ready to start hiding prescriptions for the next 30 years.  You can’t be everything to everyone.  One of them is gonna slip through the cracks.  See the Kennedy’s.

These are not facts mind you.  These are merely ramblings of a man on a Friday afternoon.  So take what you like out of them.  But remember, when your youngest eventually is jailed on a burglary charge I won’t be any where near you to say I told you so.  So do what you like.

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